this is my 2nd week minoring in business...everything seems went wrong to me...i feel insecurity there...i m emo-ing these days...everything started frm the unsystematic tutorials signing up session last friday...
i was supposed to sign up tutorials at 10.30am...eventually, i skipped part of my psych lecture n important exam tips for that..but I din get to sign up any...the admins asked me to come back at 1.30pm cuz i m a new student...even if i m just minoring...
12.30pm...I had waited there..by 1.30pm...the sign up session opened...there were't any nice queues anymore....everyone there were like animals fighting for food...many tutorials kept being closed coz it's full...new tutorials kept coming up...n i kept changing my schedule...praying hard tat there's no clashes wit my the other lectures...
I m doing management n microeconomics this sem...the 1.30pm session tat the admin asked me to go...management tut sign up was not available...damn...they asked me to come again on mon 10.00am...end of the day...i chosen a microeconomic tut tat wasn't in my plan...n praying hard tat by next mon..i 'll get my management tut sign up done...
mon...i hv 10am class..eventually can't attend the tut sign up session...by 9am...i went to the business department front desk to ask for help n advice...it's an old she...bitch...it was a long story to tell...i dun wan to mention it anymore...in short, she ignored me so as my fren ai li...being impolite n gain no respect at all...i cried...i was entirely lost...
10am...i skipped class...for the tut sign up...reason n logic...no sign up = no tut = no group = not able to complete assessment = failed course...i skipped 45 mins class for tat...went in class late....everyone was starring at me...i noe i interrupted the class..upset...
went back to psych department...not emo-ing anymore...hv 2 classes...until 4pm...microeconomic lecture...went in the class...everyone is sitting in grps...i ended up sitting alone...tiredsome n feeling uncomfortable...awaiting for the lecturer to come asap...yet..he was late for 30mins...depressed...started lecturing...my eyes kept staring on the slides...not being able to understand wat he is lecturing...emo...wanted to cry...feel like leaving the hall...wanted to go home...at the mean time, daddy msg...he volunteered to fetch me home...touched...happy...i won't need to wait for the bus alone after attending the lecture alone....i can sense the feeling of loneliness ended very quickly...
in the car...expressed everything to my dad...it made me feels good...back home...trying to tell mum...being ignored...emo...
at nite...trying hard to hide my emo self...skyping, msn-ing, n greet Ai Li Happy Birthday...by 2am...i told myself...everything will be fine tmr...
the next day...this morning...still emo-ing...can't wake up...desperately wan to see Jason...he din turn up after all...went for 10.30am microeconomic tut...went into the class...asked the person inside whether tat's the class...she ans dunno...started to emo...afraid...went out to the corridor...sat down n waited for the tutor to come (I dun even noe who is the tutor)...waited for tutor to go into the class..10.45am...no one went into the class..hyper tension...went into the class again..this time i purposely sat down...ignored the ppl eyes...waited for like 5 mins...but it's like my whole entire lifetime...class remains to be wat it was earlier...tutor not in...started to ask myself...m i getting the right venue...i checked my schedule for more than 50 times...nothing wrong...
then, i packed all my stuffs...went up to lvl 2...saw the front desk officer...i can't confront her...my inner self stuggled darn hard...tears was dropping de...if i dun ask her, i will missed the tutorial...then i saw my lecturer...thx god...started to calm down...n waited for him outside the office...finally...i asked him abt the tutorials...he said he will be my tutor...*relieved*...follow him all the way down to the class...watching him halau-ing all the ppl inside...cool...but those ppl stared at me like i hv "menakluki" their empire...emo again...
settled down...started to look around...i m the only student in the class...lagi emo...i dunno wat to do anymore...the lecturer said he wan to go n get the extension wire...i was set alone in the class...wanted to msg Hui Ying...telling her how i feel..but then thinking tat she might b still sleeping...msg Ai Li...she replied as in suprise n lolz...lagi emo...seriously wanted to leave the room n quit the course...i dun wan to minor this anymore!!!!!!...*tears dropping*...
the lecturer went in...asked me to open the book...i dun hv a text book yet...i felt sorry n guilty...i can't speak a word at all...he then shared his text wit me...asked me to ans two questions on opportunity cost...
i starred at the questions...seriously starring at it...i missed the 1st two lectures cuz i was in genting...i dunno wat the heck is opportunity cost...i really dunno wat to do...i was trying hard to control my tears frm coming out...my heart started to pain...i could hardly breathe tat time....fear, guiltiness etc. all jumbled up....
finally, i threw some words out frm my mouth...i told him i dun understand, i din attend lectures n so on...i felt sorry to him...if i m the lecturer, i will be seriously disappointed wit this student...yet, he is such a gentle n kind, patient guy tat i ever met in my life so far...he calmed me down n guided me to ans the questions...seriously touched...thx Mr. Nar!!!
tutorials ended...up next is management lecture...although Mr. Nar is so nice but I stillcan't stop myself frm kept emo-ing...while Betz was fetching Ai Li frm HELP to 1U for birthday celebration...I called her up n pleased her to bring me along...I pleased her to bring me away frm this insecurity places where i dun feel a sense of belonginess at all...Betz brought me along...i left that scary place...I skipped lecture...
I dunno whether i m doing the rite thing...mayb i shouldn't be skipping classes like tat...watever...I m still emo-ing...I nvr face this kinda situation at all...i went to the lecture n i m not being able to belong to any grps...i hv no one to ask abt the course assessment, tutorials etc...nvr...nvr happen in my life at all!!! I escaped this today...still, after coming home...while no one intend to response regarding on my emo-feelings...I expressed it to Hui Ying...I cried like mad...i finished half box of tissue papers...thx Hui Ying for sharing the time with me...
no matter what, i knew i hv to face it anyway...I choose to minor in business...i hv to complete it still...i hv to overcome myself...adapt to it...it just the matter of time....i know i can do it...don't worry...i m tough...yea...i am...
